And Now, A Gentle, Loving SPIKE For ALL You Beautiful Children Out There, From A Loving, Doting FATHER

"Teach your children well" was a great song of the 60s.


You, who are on the road,
Must have a CODE,
That you can LIVE by...


So you must have this CODE, and you yourself must teach your own children - and NOT ask The State to do that for you.


But since you parents don't know too much, and The State knows even less, today I have decided to "teach YOUR children well." As for my own, I did that long, long ago.


But before that, let me sum up all that has transpired on this blog over the past few days.


First, very tenderly and very lovingly, I dispensed with all this woman business. I was tender and loving because women are from Venus, the Star of the Evening. Sometimes, when Venus shines, you "see the lovelight reflected in her eyes," and then you know that, perchance, "tonight will be fine - for a while." It is - alas! - always for a while, for the next day she gives you a very different kind of tongue-lashing from the one you gave her: in your EAR: What? Yet ANOTHER beer?... and so on. And Hagar the Horrible always leaves Helga behind when he goes to WAR.


Then, I inspired and educated all the BIG STRONG MEN - who are all from Mars, a very angry, and very red, planet. What are such MEN like? You must know this, all you little boys and girls, because I am such a MAN - and a FATHER as well.


For example, this very morning, a little runt with blubber all over him tried to mess with me - and I punched him HARD on the kisser. Like all little runts, unable to punch back, for fear of getting a real hiding, he then proceeded to seek police assistance - and landed up at my hotel room with a cop in tow.


The cop asked me: "Sir, are you guilty of punching this little runt EXTREMELY HARD on the kisser?"


"Guilty as charged," I answered. 


We must NOT lie. Always tell the truth.


Having told the truth, I went on to point out to this cop that this was only "simple hurt," which is a "non-cognizable" offence under the Indian Penal CODE. So, I said to the cop, tell this runt to go to a Civil Magistrate and press charges. This is no "police raj" State that the British established here. They prided themselves, in India, of being "minutely just" - and the Indian Penal CODE, which differentiates "simple hurt" from "grievous hurt," is a perfect example of the minuteness of their Justice.


So here is the FIRST LESSON: You are all free to inflict simple hurts on runts who mess with you. This is an essential part of the CODE.


Now, civil magistrates are a very old institution of Western civilisation. They go back to Roman times. And British civil magistrates, in India, always prided themselves on their "sense of Justice and fair play."


Let us now suppose this little runt goes to one such civil magistrate with his damaged kisser and complains about me. What would a good civil magistrate tell him?


In my view, after hearing the whole story, the good civil magistrate will tell this little runt the Golden Rule, which is:

Pick on someone your own size.

He will tell the runt that if he tries to pick on someone who is SIX FEET TALLER and EIGHT FEET BROADER, all lean and mean with no fat at all, and tries to stick his puny little finger up such a man's powerful butt, from which thunderous farts emanate at regular intervals, rattling doors and shaking windows, one more time, then simple hurt will surely become grievous hurt, and this powerful man will surely ram his steely fist so hard down this runt's throat that all his rotten teeth will descend into his rectum and he'll find himself grinning from his arsehole.


Now, that's a MAN. That is your FATHER - the guy who gets on top of your mother. All you little boys must aim to grow up as such MEN. And all you little girls, who are all from Venus, should seek such MEN as husbands. Men who will protect you and defend you and your children. Men who can shoot straight, who can pack a powerful punch, and, of course, who can drive safe. You must never marry a man who drives like James Dean.


So, all you little boys, you have much to learn - outside what The State calls "school."


What else must you learn? Well, to begin with, you must master the English language, which is a World Language - and "the world is your oyster." For this, go to the British Council - and pay. Pay to use their library - and make good use of this library. You will then learn the Queen's English - not American or Australian poppycock.


What else?


Ask yourself this question: What do you want to be when you grow up?


One might answer: I want to be an airline pilot.


Another might say: I want to become a rock star.


And yet another might want to become a disco dancer like John Travolta: indeed, I met one such kid just the other day right here in Pondicherry.


Well, that's it, then: You must find your own "calling" and seek knowledge relevant to that calling.


There is simply no need to waste 15 years of your precious youth in State schools studying all kinds of BULL that are completely irrelevant to LIFE.


Hear "School's Out" by Alice Cooper: that's the Song of the Day.


But I began by talking about a CODE - and I will end this post with that.


The first CODE of personal conduct you must all follow is to respect Property and never ever violate it. Never steal. Always trade. Exchange properties - voluntarily, which is the perfectly moral and decent thing to do.


The second CODE of personal conduct you must always follow is to keep promises. "An Englishman's word is his honour," it used to be said. Always abide by all written contracts you sign.


Finally, the third CODE of personal conduct you must all follow is to compensate those whose properties (or bodies) you accidentally cause injury to. And if it is you who are the victim, they must do the same to you.


I will proceed with some more of these gentle and loving SPIKES for all you kids. I hope you enjoyed this one.


And oh - the HOMEWORK!


First, read Watership Down by Richard Adams. You will learn MUCH that way.


Second, read one chapter from Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels - not the silly one about Lilliput they teach all the kids. I recommend that you all read the chapter in which Gulliver travels to a really weird place called Laputa.


Have fun, children.


And I will be back tomorrow with another of these loving and gentle SPIKES for you, Inshallah.