Now, listen up, all you Pondicherrians. All equipped with your "natural religion" and your "natural honesty."
You need a LORD MAYOR.
And I will instruct you as to who should be entrusted with this very important civic office.
The man is MOH Farook.
He was Chief Minister when I lived here in the 1980s.
And he was a PROMINENT TRADER of this town.
I bought my refrigerator from his shop - a tiny Voltas fridge I still possess, and which still works. I also bought a 14" black-and-white TV set from his shop. And I never asked for any discount. Although I was then the third-most senior police officer here.
You see, I have always distrusted politicians. Especially those from the CONgress. And MOH Farook was a CONgressman. Which means he forgot all about The Prophet and his teachings. He forgot all about The Hadith. But he can reform himself, if he chooses.
Now, let me tell you why I distrust CONgressmen.
My father was a Bihar Civil Service officer, later promoted to the IAS. His entire career was FUCKED by CONgressmen. When he finally became DC of Palamau, he took the BOLD step of fucking the CONgressman whose constituency it was, who was then a Cabinet Minster in Indira Gandhi's cabinet. This man was Bhisham Narain Singh. His son, Prem, was a mafioso in the district. And my father had him locked up - and they threw away the keys. My father, and his SP, published a "Joint Report" on this "Minister's Mafia" in the Sunday magazine, which was then edited by MJ Akbar. It was a Cover Story. Bhisham Narain Singh was never a cabinet minister again. He was sent off as Governor of some far-off province or the other. But, still, he managed to FUCK my father, who was harassed endlessly by the CBI. This took a dreadful toll on his health - for he was born hypertensive. He died shortly afterwards, of a heart attack. He was just 56 then. He had not even retired. And I am 53 today, telling his story to you.
I therefore NEVER met MOH Farook socially.
Yet, I did have an interesting interaction with him officially. This was as follows:
As I told you, every single night, and very late, that too, I used to walk up and down Beach Road, accompanied my dog, who was never on a leash. She was a German dog - a BOXER - very ugly and very unfriendly-looking. But she adored me, and I simply adored her.
On one of these nights, I found a whole bunch of rowdies drinking beer and creating a big ruckus there on Beach Road. So I went to the Police Headquarters nearby and instructed the security guard there to "keep a watch" on these jokers. But this stupid security guard overreacted - and the entire Pondicherry Police moved in full swing, with their French hats and all, and arrested all these jokers and locked them up, and then they threw away the key.
Now, these jokers were all law students from Madras - and they immediately "politicised" the whole thing.
The next day, the entire Law College of Pondicherry staged a protest march, right up to the Chief Minister's office. In fact, The Hindu published a report on this, against me, titled "High-Handedness of High-Ranking Police Officer."
And so, I went, in full uniform, carrying my OFFICIAL GUN, fully loaded, on my PRIVATE motorcycle, a 350cc Bullet, to MOH Farook's office.
He told me:
"No one must be forbidden from drinking in public in Pondicherry."
This was my one and only interaction with MOH Farook - and it was entirely "official."
So, I then went to meet the Chief Secretary of Pondicherry, a Mizo IAS officer by the name of Pahnuna, in full uniform, carrying my OFFICIAL GUN, fully loaded, riding my PRIVATE 350cc Bullet motorcycle.
Allow me to say something about this PRIVATE motorcycle of mine, this 350cc BULLET. Its PETROL TANK never saw even a tiny drop of tax-payer's petrol. Its PETROL TANK was always filled at a PRIVATE petrol pump, and I always paid for this petrol out of my official salary. No Police Department mechanic ever touched my motorcycle, and I maintained it entirely myself, because I happen to know something about "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." I am an EXCELLENT MOTORCYCLIST. I am an EXCELLENT DRIVER. And, while in Pondicherry, I also acquired a HEAVY VEHICLE DRIVING LICENCE, by passing all the mandatory tests of the RTO here. I can drive trucks. I can drive buses, too.
Anyway, to get back to my story, the Chief Secretary of Pondicherry, this MIZO IAS officer by the name of Pahnuna, also asked me to apologise to these jokers.
But I did no such thing.
I called all these jokers to a meeting in Police Headquarters, which I chaired. At the end, these jokers apologised to me for having "politicised" the whole affair.
There is a LESSON in this.
Henry II was WHIPPED for the murder of Beckett by some fucked-up Papists in Canterbury Cathedral, because some of his knights over-reacted to his remarks on Beckett. But Henry II was an EXCELLENT KING. He was the "founder of the common law." He was always on horseback, travelling all over his vast domains, which included parts of France, for he was an "Anjevin," with all his records, collecting his taxes, and settling all disputes. Yet, history treats him as a culprit, because of this "Murder in the Cathedral," which occurred only because of his over-zealous knights. In any case, Beckett was an asshole. A fuckin' Papist.
And so it was with me. I just told a security guard to "keep a watch" on some jokers - and these stupid fuckers over-reacted.
But, I do think MOH Farook was an EXCELLENT Chief Minister.
Which Chief Minister today, anywhere in this entire sub-continent, would order his policemen to allow public drinking of alcohol?
And let us never forget that MOH Farook is a MUSLIM - and Muslims are NOT supposed to drink alcohol. So MOH Farook is NOT like these Taliban fuckers. He is most certainly a VERY GOOD MAN. He truly believes in FREEDOM - for all.
And it is therefore MOH Farook who should be appointed LORD MAYOR of PONDICHERRY.
Of course, he must quit the CONgress.
And he should stick to the VOCATION of The Prophet, which is TRADE, and that is something MOH Farook is very good at, being the proud owner of many old, established, and good shops in this fair city.
I have already told you all you need to know about the Lord Mayor of London yesterday.
MOH Farook should follow these PRINCIPLES, and lift up the Civic Sword.
And as for me, I am on my way out of Pondicherry.
I am now proceeding on a James Dean Holiday - which will soon begin in Munich, in Bavaria, where they have "beer gardens."
There will be no posts till this James Dean Holiday begins.
Goodbye.
And Good Luck.
May God bless all of you.
Masha Allah. Subhan Allah. Bismillah. Inshallah.
And Boom Shankar, too.
In conclusion, I would like to add something on what "Allah ho Akbar" means. It means "God is Great." It does NOT mean "Man is Great." Islam means "submission" - to the Will of Allah. It also means that you do NOT submit to the arbitrary will of any MAN.
In terms of Economics, what Islam means is just this:
If you make a profit, you say Masha Allah or even Subhan Allah.
And if you make a loss you say Inshallah - and change your business.
Allah ho Akbar.
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