Kids, Here's Your Rock-n-Roll Equipment Maintenance Manual

At the outset, let me say that I was mighty pleased, warmed to the cockles of my heart, when I read Anju's comment yesterday, saying, "I love you Rock-n-Roll Daddy." Well, all those who think likewise, you can also call me Daddy Cool. And you can all sing:


He's crazy like a fool,
But we LOVE our Daddy Cool.


So far, I have taught you, first, the CODE. Then I taught you about NUTRITION. In that I forgot to mention maida (white flour). Avoid it like the plague. Avoid white bread. Avoid nans. Avoid Ceylon parathas. Avoid cakes and biscuits. Eat wholewheat chapatis, rotis and phulkas. Eat wholewheat bread. Learn to bake it at home. Learn to use an oven - and a grill. These are far healthier ways to cook than frying.


After that, I gave you your Rock-n-Roll SOUL.


Then, I taught you to be like the "flower children" of yore.


Today's lesson is on PERSONAL HYGIENE.


Let me begin by telling you how I learnt this myself. 


I was packed off to a boarding school at the tender age of 6, and so learnt how to be alone among strangers very early in life. Our school was in Kurseong, Darjeeling, and our term ran for 9 straight months, from March to November. December, January and February were our holidays - because Darjeeling gets too cold then. 


I learnt a lot in that school. I learnt how to play cricket, hockey and football. We had declamation and elocution classes - which is why I am such a good public speaker. And our Music Master was Mr. Ludwig, a German, who taught me how to read music, how to play the violin, a fretless instrument; and he was an extremely tough task-master: you got one note wrong and his bow came crashing down on your fingers. OUCH!


In our school, if you did stupid things, you got caned: six of the best, on your butt. The school was run by the Christian Brothers, a "teaching order" from Ireland. They were dedicated and excellent teachers - but took no nonsense. Once, I was told, "We teach you nothing except how to learn."


Anyway, at the age of 6, our dormitory matron looking after the littlest boys was a very tough Keralite nun by the name of Sister Celine. She first taught us all to piss before going to bed - and woebetide anyone who wetted his bed. His bedsheet would be wrapped around his head like a turban and he would be paraded around under the title "Wetting Darling." Always empty your bladder before going to bed.


Darjeeling, being a cold place - our school was situated at 5,500 ft above sea level - we bathed twice a week, on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Some 50 of us kids, naked, would stand in a big hall where there were 50 showers overhead. Sister Celine stood at a height above us all, and gave the orders. The first order was to the shower operator - and steaming hot water would drench us all. Then, she would order the showers to stop. After that, she would tell us to pick up our soaps, and then, she would instruct us where exactly to apply soap and scrub. Finally, the showers would be put on again. And then, she instructed us how to towel ourselves. At the end, she even inspected us - behind the ears and stuff like that.


Now, I plan to be your Sister Celine.


First, after a crap, wash your ass with many, many mugs of water. Do NOT economise on the water. Never use toilet paper - except on train journeys and treks and suchlike. Wash your ass with your left hand always - and wash it thoroughly with soap afterwards. Use antiseptic liquid soap.


Now, for your Rock-n-Roll Equipment:


First: Your KISSER.


Your mouths are made for singing, laughing, whistling, speaking - and kissing. Not just for eating - which is "stuffing your face."


To keep your mouths clean, brushing your teeth is NOT enough. You MUST learn how to use DENTAL FLOSS. Use the thinnest, strongest floss, so that it will not enlarge the gaps between your teeth. I use Oral-B. Learn how to use it - to remove all food that gets stuck between your teeth, and between your teeth and your gums. You will never contract any gum disease like pyorrhea, ever. Your gums will always be healthy - and without healthy gums, you cannot have healthy teeth. Your mouth will always smell clean. 


I saw a movie once in which an American schoolkid takes his date out in his car (they all have cars there) and when he tries to kiss her, she hands him a stick of CHEWING GUM! Because his mouth stank! Never let that happen to you. Never chew gum. You'll look like a cow going chomp-chomp all day long.


So sing the song:


This is the way we FLOSS our teeth,
FLOSS our teeth,
FLOSS our teeth,
This is the way we FLOSS our teeth,
Early in the morning.


Do it every night too.


And carry some floss with you always, in case you eat some meat or stuff outside - and a little of it sticks between your teeth. 


Never use tooth-picks.


So far, all that I have said applies to both boys and girls. I may add that when you bathe, soap and scrub your armpits, your groin area, and the crack in your ass. Germs breed here. These smell. Clean them thoroughly. Dry them thoroughly, too. Apply talcum power to these areas.


Now, for all you boys.


They say, "In Harvard they teach you to wash your hands after you piss." So I will teach you how NOT to piss on your hands.


The trick, which Sister Celine taught all of us, is to pull back your foreskin; pull it right back - and hold it there, leaving the knob open. Then aim - and piss freely. Not a drop will wet your knob or your foreskin or your hands. Squeeze GENTLY after the last squirt, and shake dry. Not a drop will fall on your knees or your toes. Then put the foreskin back on again. Always keep your gun in its holster. But never shoot while the gun is in the holster. Get it?


I strongly disapprove of MALE CIRCUMCISION. It was a practice first begun among the Jews, and later copied by the Muslims. But it is NOT essential to personal hygiene. It is true that when boys are born, the foreskin tends to be "sticky" - but there are many ways to solve this minor problem. In Bengal, the old women warm mustard oil with a pod of garlic in it and apply it to the pecker, lubricating it, and then slowly roll the foreskin up and down. This is done day after day for many months. And it works. The gun has a holster.


So, boys, I have told you how to look after your MUSCLE OF LOVE.


I must add that, when bathing, wash this muscle thoroughly, with the foreskin rolled back. Pat dry afterwards. Then return to holster. Then pack it all up carefully in your underpants.


Now, I know very little about girls and how they keep themselves clean down there - but they do. That is, the good, clean girls do. They wash themselves down there twice a day at least. Morning and night. This keeps the TUNNEL OF LOVE clean and fresh, without any bad odours.


That is my Lesson for the Day.


And may God bless Sister Celine.